Many
years ago, I walked into a yoga class and met a woman I had lived next door to
as a child. I was new to the class and she assured me it was wonderful. “It
really relaxes you and makes you feel at peace,” she said. “Not that you need
that. You always seem so calm.” It
was then I knew that people who don't know me well, have no idea what I'm
really like. Apparently I project a very calm exterior. My close friends and
family will find that laughable. I am like a bundle of springs compressed in a
tiny body. I throw myself into tasks and take the outcome to heart. Most of the time it's fine. Tension
fuels my crazy calendar of work, children's activities, theatre, writing and
family life. But I do occasionally pay a price.
I've
always considered myself politically moderate. But I've begun to realize
that I'm only a moderate by
Massachusetts' standards. Compared other parts of the country I'm a bleeding
heart liberal. Four years ago on
election night, I felt like a rubber band that had been stretched and stretched
as I watched the returns. It looked like Obama would probably win, but I was
afraid of being too cocky. I went to bed before the results were finalized and
somehow managed to sleep.
By
morning, it was clear that Obama would be our next president. It was also clear
that I hadn't slept peacefully. I had clenched my jaw so hard in my sleep that
I broke my tooth. It was the second of the four crowns I now have in my mouth—all
from internalizing stress. I now carry an extra dental insurance policy, just
for me. So, yes I need all the yoga I can get.
Last
night a relative of mine wrote on her Facebook wall that she was, “Doing yoga,
drinking wine, and making a care package for my sister at college. Sending
donations to Red Cross Hurricane Relief and Planned Parenthood. Controlling the
things I can control.” Clearly, at half my age, she is twice as smart. Today I'm going make
pumpkin pancakes, go to the chiropractor, walk to the polls with my kids in the
autumn sunshine, and do some work for my upcoming show. If there's time, I may
get out my yoga mat. Controlling the things we can control. Brilliant.
Easier said than done. Every word of this post has been, in some fashion, said to me by my therapist, wife, and close friends.
ReplyDeleteBuzz words like "control freak" get thrown around. To me, if you're overly calm, rarely angered or annoyed then you're a freak. Maybe we should start throwing around "calm freak".
Blending my family 4 years and being responsible for my wife, 3 daughters, 1 niece, mother in law and sister in law has taught me how to be more patient and loving. But I'll never be calm.
I love the idea of controlling what you can. For me? I'm going to take the kids to the polls, vacuum my floors, try to raise some money for a family I love who has needs greater than my own, wish my Mom a happy birthday.
ReplyDeleteThanks for a dose of perspective on this particularly tightly wound day.