Friday, March 25, 2011

RDC: Sweet Discoveries



            This week’s Red Writing Hood prompt: write a piece, fiction or non-fiction, inspired by this delicious shot. Word limit is 600—I may have gone over ever so slightly.


            I’ve decided to use some of these Red Dress Club prompts to create a back story for the characters that I hope will some day inhabit a novel. I shared my first piece involving Michaela a few weeks back. Constructive criticism is most welcome! Personally, I think the title is a little dorky.

Sweet Discoveries

            Saturday morning cartoons sedate the kids while they eat their Honey Nut Cheerios. I’m  on my hands and knees in the bathroom trying not to gag as I wash the floor. How do three people manage to get a room this disgusting?
            John calls from downstairs, “Mom! Adam’s truck is in the driveway!”
            I smile at the thought of him dropping by and then catch sight of myself in the bathroom mirror. I’m wearing a bleach-stained Patriot’s tee shirt from the 2005 Superbowl that’s a little too tight and faded khaki shorts so old and stretched out they hang from my hips. My hair is in a ponytail and a headband to keep my mop of hair out of my face while I clean. My face isn’t even washed.
            I briefly consider trying to make myself look better but the task seems hopeless. “Besides,” I tell my reflection. “He’s dating a single mom—he can’t possibly be expecting a super model at 9am on a Saturday.”
            I wash my hands and head downstairs.
            “This is a surprise,” I say when I open the door.
            “I don’t mean to intrude,” he hands me a white bakery box tied with a string. “I have a new client who is a baker. She was really happy with my work and sent doughnuts over. I thought you and the kids would like them.”
            “The kids will be thrilled—thanks! Come on in. The coffee’s already made.” I tell him as I lead him to the kitchen.
            “I hope you weren’t in the middle of anything.”
            “Just cleaning. Nothing that won’t wait.”
            Brianna and John leap up when they see the box in my hands. “What’s that?” Brianna asks.
            “Are those doughnuts?” asks John.
            I look down at the box. There is a gold seal that reads Delores’ Doughnuts—terrible name I think. Adam reads my expression and laughs. “I didn’t come up with the name,” he tells me. “I’m just the landscaper not the marketing guru. Yes John, these might just be the most delicious doughnuts on earth.”
            “Turn the TV off and come in the kitchen,” I say.
            I pour milk and coffee and set out three plates. The kids reach for the gooiest looking chocolate doughnuts. Adam notices that I don’t take one for myself. “Aren’t you going to have one?” he asks.
            “I’m not a big fan of doughnuts.” I tell him.
            Adam reacts as if I told him I’m not a big fan of oxygen, “Really?”
            “I don’t dislike them,” I assure him. “I’ve just always felt like they weren’t worth the calories. If I’m going to splurge I’d rather have some Ben & Jerry’s or something fried.”
            He shakes his head and tells me, “These are different.”
            “Different?”
            “They’re gourmet doughnuts.”
            Gourmet doughnuts? I think to myself. Is that like gourmet Velveeta? Or gourmet corn dogs?
            “Try this,” Adam insists. He lifts a shiny pink confection out of the box like it’s a holy offering. “This one is raspberry margarita.”
            “Really?” I begin to cave. I love the combination of raspberry and lime. I guess he’s been paying attention in the short time we’ve been dating. The doughnut is small and the icing is the color of raspberry sherbet with a few white and pink sprinkles. He holds it closer to my mouth and I take a bite. It reminds me of the raspberry lime rickeys my grandmother used to make when I was a kid. So sweet but saved from being too sweet by the sharp tang of citrus. I take another bite. I’m hooked. He’s right. These are not just doughnuts.
            “Well,” he says. “What do you think?”
            “These are amazing,” I confess. “What is that grin on your face about?”
            “You just look really cute with pink frosting on your nose.”
            I wipe it away and he adds, “And you look really hot in that Patriot’s shirt.”
            Well, he was right about the doughnut. Maybe he’s right about that too.

19 comments:

  1. Love the last line! Positive note to end on. Great description of the donut....I want a raspberry margarita donut now! :)
    I'm liking your main character..single mom with confidence and humor. I want to read more!
    Hope it comes soon!
    Be blessed~
    Kristi

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  2. Is that like gourmet Velveeta? Or gourmet corn dogs?
    That just cracked me up, made me think of Cheese Whiz, don't know why.

    I liked the opening as well- cartoons to sedate the kids- something most parents have done at some time.

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  3. Love the "gourmet Velveeta" line - very funny!

    I think this section could be shortened or broken up: "I’m wearing a bleach-stained Patriot’s tee shirt from the 2005 Superbowl that’s a little too tight and faded khaki shorts so old and stretched out they hang from my hips. My hair is in a ponytail and a headband to keep my mop of hair out of my face while I clean." - I know you want to establish the age of the tee but the fact that it's bleach-stained already tells me that it's an old one. Also, the word 'hair' is used twice. The sentence could probably be tightened a bit.

    Also, yeast doughnuts are fried so your character could be eating something fried anyway ;)

    This is a very nice establishment of characters - I want to know more about them! And I'd love one of those margarita doughnuts right about now...

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  4. Love this! You developed the characters beautifully in so few words. I'm rooting for them- they're so likable and sweet!

    I loved this line: "Adam reacts as if I told him I’m not a big fan of oxygen." Poignant and vivid like so much of this piece.

    Also? I, too, am a sucker for raspberries and lime! :)

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  5. Gourmet Velveeta!! Love it.
    Oh how I loved this piece, and the line "Adams reacts as it I told him I'm not a big fan of oxygen" it was perfect for that moment, I was right in that house, even on the yucky bathroom floor.

    you did a great job with this prompt.

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  6. HAHA! I, too, loved the Gourmet Velveeta line. Sounds like my train of thought.

    Also, the description of your clothing. I agree that needs to be tightened up a bit. It was extremely vivid and I could see you...or was that me...on the bathroom floor, but I can't help but think it was a little too wordy and I could have seen the same thing without the "help"...

    Overall, great piece and I loved all the characters. Nice wrap up at the end. A high note. I enjoyed reading this one!

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  7. I would love to know more about these characters, you have definitely peaked my interest. And the bathroom floor? Can totally relate to that one!
    Great job-

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  8. What worked: The relationship between Adam and narrator seems real and interesting. I'm very curious to see where they go.
    What needs work: I agree that you need to tighten your description. However, I had a good fiction writer once tell me that when coming up with backstory, one often writes a bunch of stuff in the first draft that is "for the writer." That is, it is backstory that you need to know for your novel. So, that is to be expected in a project that your undertaking.
    What I loved: The food descriptions!!

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  9. Agree with the others about the description in the beginning. Maybe it's because that's me you're talking about? LOL

    And yes, doughnuts are fried----so they can totally push you over the caloric ledge just like Ben & Jerry's!

    ;-)

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  10. Sorry to double comment but I re-read my comment and it is vague as to two thing. The description you need to tighten is as to your narrator and the scene, not the food. And I mean "you're" undertaking. Sorry.

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  11. gourmet Velveeta? That right there made me fall for her. She has a strong voice voice that pulls you into the story :)

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  12. I love the sarcasm hidden so cleverly behind Gourmet Velveeta. The chemistry between Adam and the narrator is wonderful. I enjoy their back and forth in the dialogue. I love the description of the donut, and how it tastes. It makes me want a raspberry smoothie AND a margarita. Ha.

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  13. Gourmet Velveeta. THAT is funny.

    Loved how you described the flavor. That is a great idea for a donut.

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  14. love this. great response to the prompt and tugs are the heartstrings too :)

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  15. this cracked me up. The description was so perfect... I could actually see everything playing out in my head.

    For some reason, the bit about the store name seemed unnecessary and it took me out of the story a bit. But other than that, great stuff!

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  16. Gourmet Corndogs, hahaha that cracked me up!

    What a sweet story!

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  17. LOVED the gourmet Velveeta line. Totally grinning over it.

    I had a couple concrits, but they've already been covered in the other comments.

    Great use of description...especially with the taste of the donut. And that last line was perfect. Sassy and funny.

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  18. I love this - especially this section-

    It reminds me of the raspberry lime rickeys my grandmother used to make when I was a kid. So sweet but saved from being too sweet by the sharp tang of citrus. I take another bite. I’m hooked. He’s right. These are not just doughnuts.
    “Well,” he says. “What do you think?”

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  19. This is perfect. She a heroine right out of a chick-lit bestseller!

    The line about the name of the doughnut shop was a little awkward, but other than that, I wouldn't change a thing.

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