This week’s assignment from The Red Dress Club was to write about what our character wants. I’m back to Michaela’s story (you can read previous pieces on the page above marked The Story of Michaela). This time I decided to write from the point of view of Michaela’s on again, off again boyfriend Adam. I thought it would be a challenge for me to write in men’s voices. I’m hoping it sounds genuine and not just what a women think men sound like when they’re sitting at a bar. Con crit is very welcome.
What Adam Wants
“Hey Sully,” Adam said as took barstool next to his old friend.
“Well, well, well,” answered Sully. “Haven’t seen you in a while. Where’s the girlfriend tonight?”
“Shut up Sully.” He turned to the bartender. “Traci, can I get a Sam Adams?”
“Bottle or draft?”
“Draft. Thanks honey.”
“So what’s up?” Sully asked again. “I don’t see you around for weeks and I can’t ask about the girlfriend.”
“Shit Sully, I don’t even know if I have a girlfriend right now. I just want to have a couple of beers and watch the game. I can go watch it at home if you’re going to be an asshole.”
“Alright, alright.”
They sat in silence and stared at the TV for a few minutes.
“Sorry dude,” said Adam. “I just screwed up with Michaela and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“What happened?”
“I mowed her lawn and she got pissed off.”
“That pissed her off? I gotta get her to talk to Sheila. That one never stops nagging. I swear her ‘honey do’ list is gonna kill me one of these days.”
“Right? So I was cutting her neighbor Miriam’s grass. She’s one of my regular customers. So I just did Michaela’s at the same time. It only took me 20 minutes or so. I figured it was a nice little thing to do for her.”
“I don’t get it. Why did that piss her off?”
“You know she’s a widow, right? She has thing about taking care of everything herself. She said it was thoughtful but she couldn’t let me do stuff like that for her. She said I was a professional and she didn’t want to take advantage of me. She tried to pay me for it.” Adam took a large drink from his beer. “So I got insulted and pissed off and she got pissed off right back at me. I get she wants to be independent, but guys do stuff for their girlfriends. Right?”
“Let me ask you something,” Sully said. “What do you want from this girl?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you want to settle down with her? Or is she just a little piece of ass for now?”
“Do you want to settle down with her? Or is she just a little piece of ass for now?”
“I don’t know. Well, that’s not true. She definitely isn’t just a piece of ass. There’s gotta to be an easier way to get laid than dating a widow with two little kids. We’re never alone.”
“So if she’s so much trouble and you don’t just want to sleep with her, you must want a relationship with her.”
“What’s your point?”
“Does she know that?”
“Does she know that?”
“I don’t know man. I need to be careful. She’s a widow. I don’t want to freak her out.”
“Maybe she doesn’t want to be treated like a widow. Maybe she just wants to be treated like a girlfriend.”
“That’s why I mowed her lawn! To do something nice for my girlfriend.”
“Maybe next time you should just send flowers.”
“I’m not a send flowers kind of guy. I’m a landscaper. If I gave her flowers I’d plant her some roses or azaleas or something.”
“So explain it to her like that. If you were the kind of guy who sends flowers, do you think she’d throw them in the trash?”
“No.”
“Then tell her that mowing the lawn is your version of a dozen roses.”
“What’s going on Sully? I was expecting you to say ‘screw her’ and buy me a shot of JD. Where did the insight come from?”
“You haven’t been around much lately, so I’ve been stuck home watching Dr. Phil with Sheila.”
“Damn. Maybe I should buy you a shot.”
LOL, I love the dialogue between these 2. I think it flowed really well and felt authentic.
ReplyDeletevisiting from RDC
LOL - Dr. Phil! Love the continuation of these characters :-)
ReplyDeleteThis seems to be a theme. Guys at a bar.
ReplyDeleteI like that he mowed her lawn, and the line about planting azaleas. My brother's a landscaper, and that's exactly what he does for his wife.
There are some spots where I think you could trim the dialogue. The opening "well, well, well" reads a little cliche.
On the whole, though, the dialogue has great flow, and I think the talking about feelings without getting too emotional rings true of many men I know.
Writing male POV is tricky. Well done.
I think overall this went really well, the dialogue flowed nicely. There were parts where his friend sounded kind of old, like "well well well" and "piece of ass" and "honey do."
ReplyDeleteBut others, where he called him an asshole, that played perfectly!
Good for you for attempting to try something different!
Also, you have a typo on your first sentence: "Adam said as took"
Writing male POV is tricky. Well done.
ReplyDeleteActually writing male POV is quite simple. ;) You did a good job with it.
Love how out of the box you went with this and how it pushes your WIP forward! Attempting the male point of view-- Love!
ReplyDeleteHee! That ending is priceless!
ReplyDeleteAnd men are hard to write. I take whatever I've done in my first draft...than make it more in-your-face.